I used to think I was broken...

I used to think I was broken….

I thought I had ‘broken’ my body and my metabolism because of all the damage I had done. I felt so much shame and disappointment, some days it felt unbearable. In my 20’s, for a decade, I battled an eating disorder that I believed controlled me.  It wasn’t until I found out that I was pregnant with my first son that I knew I had to get a handle on things (which was basically white knuckling my way to NOT overeat). I told no one of my struggle and managed to have an incredible pregnancy and delivery.  Thank you God!  It wasn’t until after he was born that those demons resurfaced.  Although I wasn’t struggling with the binging and purging anymore, the days of overly restricting came back in full force.  My milk supply dried up within 4 months due to my restrictive eating.  At that point, I had no understanding how I could eat and NOT restrict without gaining more weight than I wanted. I believed in order to be thin, I had to always be hungry. That was just the name of the game. Have you been there? Thought that you were one of the ‘special’ ones where the only way to maintain your weight loss, would involve serious hunger, cravings and/or obsession with food?

Macros taught me ‘how’ to eat and thrive and lose/maintain weight, and optimize my nutrition, but the constant subtle obsession with not wanting the weight to come back was always percolating at the surface. There was that “don’t lose control” thought always peeking its way into my thoughts. Unconscious really, but now that I look back and I see it. Fear ruled my life when it came to my body and the control I thought I had to maintain, because in my mind I only had very little. As if food controlled me. As if, something, someone outside of me was in control and I was always struggling to take the wheel back, but I didn’t know how. Have you been there? Felt like your body or weight loss and your actions were never fully in your control? That the people, the things, the job, the stress, the kids, the souse, the environment were all to blame for all the weight struggles? I feel you. This was my struggle for years and I didn’t even realize it.

There IS a better way. Taking radical responsibility for your mind, your body, your actions and your goals feels more amazing than ANY food or foods will. Knowing you can do whatever and eat whatever you want, at your discretion and with intentionality is powerful! You CAN take the wheel. You are NOT broken, too old, too young, a lost cause, a problem to be solved.  You ARE whole, worthy and beautiful as you are right now. Your body is a beautiful asset that you can fully embrace to do and be anything you want. When we embrace where we are, we can get to our destination that much quicker and for perpetuity. Hating ourselves thin will NEVER work. It keeps us stuck. After 27 years of weight struggles, I finally get it.  Start from a place of self love and acceptance, practice it every day, be patient and watch magic unfold as you step into your highest, healthiest and fittest self. I’m proof it’s never too late.  At 47 years young, I’ve never felt healthier, stronger or happier and it’s possible for you, too.  We’re playing the long game here. Go all in on yourself and trust, you got this. You are not alone and life is beautiful just as you are my friend, right now in this very moment.